And then there's that window I own, that window which started it all - the sun, the rain, the clouds. The window allowed the entry of the sunlight, the breeze, the view. It was supposed to provide protection but it allowed vulnerability. I desire to tear it off, to crash it, to ruin it. But I realized it wasn't the window's fault. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, to feel things, to feel pain. There's nothing wrong with pain. There's nothing wrong with feeling. There's something wrong with pride and feeling pain.

It's always the same story. You try to move on then something shatters you and you're back to your old broken self.

It's like trying to pick up broken pieces of glass and dropping them again only to pick them up, and cycle goes on.

I have been trying so hard to just get over it and move on. I have tried many things, crazy things, things that might shatter all the morality and reality out anyone. Things my wildest friends would deem unspeakable.

Reason for this tirade:

‎"I don't want to change for anyone, but I want to be a better person for someone...."

That's right. It's the Facebook status. The only evil created in this world to link every reality to every pseudo internet life. Reality + what is posted = reality itself. It's a form of mitosis. It merges together until it becomes one. Or at least, until it is a part of the bigger picture of reality,

First thought: 'So back then I wasn't really worth it?'

I know it's not worth whining about but other than my emotions going haywire again and my feelings rejected, my pride has been trampled upon as well. Or I'm overthinking... or over-priding.

Overall, guess I'm looking again for some saving grace. Honestly, I just want to be happy and for the past days I was getting there then it stopped cold from that FB status.

To think, I was being my oversentimental self wondering about the end of the world in 2012. I wished I didn't love him and spent my time on more productive endeavors like loving myself and traveling.

It's one of the reasons why I don't agree with the overused quote: "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

I realized today that no matter how much you prepared yourself that eventually he'll find someone new, you'll still get hurt when he says it.

He says, "I actually met someone like a week ago and pretty sure she will break my heart"

And this was from the first guy you had ever loved, the only guy you thought that you'd wanted to spend the rest of your life with, the only person you would be willing to risk everything just to be with.

And you realized that from all the guys you have had a relationship with, they all ended up marrying the girl after you; or knocking them up and then they marry them.

And all of this happens two days before your birthday, which is also the day when your parents are leaving you to go to vacation like they forgot it's your birthday OR they remember it was but didn't care.

Oh AND you have work.

So you tell yourself, "maybe it's for the better. He doesn't have a degree. He's not a top professional. He may not be able to fulfill my necessities. He won't get me a big house. He traveled a lot so he may miss it. You never really trusted the guy."

But it all boils down to, "I actually met someone like a week ago and pretty sure she will break my heart"

'Advance happy birthday'

Thank you, for not sparing my feelings just until after my birthday.

It's just the way it is, you stop and pick up yourself, dust yourself off and face the world. It's not too hard but it's going to be an insane phase. Right now, I don't really care. I might tomorrow, but not today.

I'm 22 and by now I really have a big issue with privacy. Being Asian, and a Filipino, my family has way less boundaries when it comes to privacy. People don't even know how to knock. So anyway, due to my work, I had to move out of the house and I stay at the family house during weekends. To give a more descriptive account of my moments, let's put it this way:

Morning:

To be fair to my dad, he doesn't just barge into my room unless it's an emergency, like whenever he can't remember where he put his checkbook, which is really really rare. Of course, that's in comparison to my mom. My mom just enjoys barging into my room EVERY SINGLE MORNING she gets. I'm a light sleeper, so whenever someone enters my room and they're not VERY discreet about it, I wake up and can't get back to sleep for more than an hour. To add, my mom enters my room at 6 in the morning. And what does she do? She turns off the aircon, or sometimes starts a conversation even when I'm buried under the sheets, quarter awake.

Between Morning and Afternoon:

My aunt lives with us. She gets a part of the household stuff done. She used to take care of all of us when we were still kids, and she kinda brought it with her until my brother and I are old enough to go drinking and partying, and even marry (legally). She also enters our room after my mom does (and I'm still asleep at this time since it's the weekend) and is not even discreet about anything. She gets the clothes from the hamper and walks around my room and lalalala and no more sleep for moi.

Afternoon:

By this time, my sister would be awake. She would use the doors connecting our rooms via bathroom (we have a shared bathroom) and stick her head in and check on me. FYI, she's younger. If she's going to go out and meet her friends, she'll just come in and head straight to my closet to borrow my clothes without telling me.

Evening:

Sister. Sister. Sister. Mom. Mom. Sister.

You get the picture. I have no problems with my dad and brother but the ladies in the house are just horrible (not counting the househelp because they're okay). So yeah, I get stressed a lot whenever I'm at home. Oh and aside from that, my mom just keeps pestering me all the time. My friends find it cute but since I've been living with her for such a long time and it's just that I MAY have a personality problem, yeah I suffer.

Anyway, I am moving out again to another condominium unit with less people which is good. Even better because I already know the people I am moving in with. Also, this condo has a nicer pool and a nicer gym. We just have to move in several of our stuff but other than that, everything seems to be going good. To be honest I'm somewhat excited about this - and contemplated not going home on weekends. But whatever, my bed is nicer at home and I get free food. Decisions, decisions.